I just don't know...

So what's a girl to do? After I started this blog (again) I debated back and for about weather to keep it. It just feels like one more thing to do...then I read Kelly's blog and I think if she can do it with four kids and still manage, why can't I? There is no standard "have to" protocol for how often I HAVE to blog or post pictures. Seriously, does anyone besides me know when I was going to blog but didn't because the clock says 11:30 and I know I need to be in bed since the alarm is set for 5am. There I go again, overthinking every conceivable thing in my life...over and over and over.

Today started out like every other late start Wednesday. Got Jennifer on the bus, mentally planned the day, checked my facebook, decided on oatmeal vs eggs for breakfast and then I worried, overthank (is that a word?) everything and tried to do my Bible Study for the umptienth time this week. Do I do my Thursday Bible study lesson or my Sunday Bible study lesson...I seriously can't remember what week I am on for either one but I think I can figure it out...although lately neither one really seems to make sense to me. Not feeling well anyway I huddled my very cold, achy body under the covers and decided I needed to refuel - just for a bit. Two and a half hours later I woke up very suddenly (eyes popping out to see better) and realized it was almost noon. Why on earth did I lay down...now the guilt...after all how much sleep could I possibly need. Jill said when she started running that she was sooooo tired she fought tooth and nail to stay awake but I just assumed that it was because she was sooooo busy all the time. I guess I forgot that it was ok for me not to be exactly like Jill and that I should be able to go go go...after all, I know I get more down hours on average than she does. Of course tonight I hit my second wind at 10pm...NOT good. So I "treat" myself to some mindless entertainment...after all how often to I watch TV. I actually haven't watched it more than once or twice in the last few months. I almost forgot the new season of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice started. So I crank on a (free) episode of both which of course I now regret since it's late but I'm at least tired. Those silly shows entertain me but they also depress me...why do I watch them...I just don't know.

Now off on another rabbit trial...I have decided to be open about a few things....brace yourself for bad attitude and honesty. I really hate weddings...they seem like just a show to me...the flowers, the gifts, the expensive clothes and food that is either awkward to eat or it's served mediocre warm when it should be hot, people trying to act like they like each other and are thrilled to be spending their day off watching someone else take the plunge. Might I point out that this especially painful for people who are in the midst of a divorce, seperation or just "in between". I look at men anymore and I simply don't trust them...I seriously can't see not ONE of them being honest enough to say what they mean and stick to it. Of course all of this hostility comes from my own experience. Marriage just seems like a breeding ground for dishonestly, deception, selfishness and back stabbing. Yes, in my mind, it's been a rough week but I've never really, truly liked weddings. Maybe it is one of those generational "sins" that's been passed down from decades back and I haven't got a clue why. I used to NOT be able to understand why anyone wouldn't want to get married but I think I get it now. I know that's not God's intention for marraige and I know "putting up the wall" is a good way to keep love not only from coming in, but also from going out. For now, it gives me a false sense of safety and an opportunity to be self-righteously angry. I know this moment shall too pass but the whole idea of marraige thing...that's going to take more prayer, healing, wisdom, time and maybe a few drinks. Please bear with me if I can't stand to hear about your wonderful husband, the thoughtful things he does for you, the promises he has made, the anniversary milestones you have reached and the much coveted snuggle time...I really am happy for you but I can't seperate that right now from the jelousy, anger, bitterness, broken promises and the stabbing knife feeling that I get in my stomach every time I have to lay my eyes on or listen to the man who promised to do the same for me. I really just want to throw up every single time I hear about it and for the love of Pete please don't tell me you've been married "almost" 20 years when it's only been 17...this isn't a competition - but even if it was, I just lost so please spare your bragging for your happily married friends.

For now I'm thinking I have other goals I need to meet. Some days it's just NOT thinking about the obvious and other days I think "sometime in the next 6 months, I think I going to wear a dress". You laugh but it's literally been more than 6 yrs since I've even thought about it. I don't feel much like a lady and even when I do I don't have anywhere to wear one. Yes, I need a reason. Everything HAS to have an explanation for me. I don't know why but it does. I want to go to school or get a job that has true meaning and direction for me. Maybe when I grow up, I'll figure out what that is...lol...but I do think I miiiiight have it narrowed down. I want to do something and not think the snot out of it. I can't even paint a room without serious debate. What has made me so afraid to step? I just don't know...I do know that it is now well past midnight and I have to get up and run tomorrow...early....which I'm NOT a fan of but I AM a fan of how it gives me a sense of accomplishment...even if it is small. I make no apologies for my bad attitude tonight....tomorrow I'm going to start over and see what the Lord can do with me...good night!